A transvestite’s wife has just learned of his cross-dressing. They both come to you—she is upset and he, defensive. How would you handle this situation?
I would begin my meeting with the transvestite and his wife by congratulating them for seeking professional help so quickly. I’d explain that many marriage and family therapists have very limited backgrounds in variations in the expression of gender and that they were smart to have selected a sexologist/anthropologist such as myself.
I’d begin by having the wife explain in her own words how she discovered her husband’s penchant for cross-dressing. Did she have any clues of this before her discovery? How does this discovery make her feel? What are her fears? Does this discovery raise anxieties about her own sexuality and the state of her marriage?
Next, I’d have the husband talk. I’d begin by asking him to describe what it felt like to have his wife discover that he enjoys cross-dressing. Did he want her to find out? Had it become too important to him to keep as a secret? I’d then invite him to tell us his cross-dressing history. When did he first discover that he likes to where women’s clothes? What clothes does he especially like? Lingerie? Jewelry? Make-up? Does he enjoy looking at himself in a mirror? Does dressing-up involve masturbation? Does he ever go out in public dressed as a woman? What are his desires in terms of expressing the female side of his gender? (What else would he like to be able to do?)
I’d then check in with the wife and have her share whatever feelings she has regarding what she’s just heard. Was this uncomfortable? Does it make her husband seem like a person she really doesn’t know? Or does this fill in some missing pieces?
Next I’d have the couple talk a bit about their relationship. What activities do they enjoy together? Other than the cross-dressing discovery, what’s their communication style been? What kinds of things are easily shared? Are there other private areas? Do work and other responsibilities keep them from spending time together? Do they have fun together? Do they socialize with others more as a couple or more as individuals?
Next we’d talk about their sexual relationship. What was it like in the beginning? How has it changed since then? How often do they have sex? Does the frequency suit them both? What sorts of erotic play do they engage in? What other erotic activities do they fantasize about doing?
Next I’d begin to address cross-dressing using the P-LI-SS-IT model (Ruppel 2002). In giving the husband permission to cross-dress and the wife permission to accept her husband’s cross-dressing, I’d explain that femalemale crossing-dressing is so widespread in our society that a women who found pleasure in wearing men’s clothes would hardly be considered deviant. I’d ask the wife to consider why and when she wears men’s clothes (e.g. jeans, T-shirts, etc)? Does wearing them afford certain emotions, e.g. feeling comfortable, relaxed, as well as a way to avoid unwanted erotic attention?
Next I would discuss how societies such as ours leave men with a very limited palate for expressing themselves through dress and adornment. I’d tell them about the Woodabe of Niger, West Africa where it is the men who dress up in alluring costumes and make-up to attract women (Maybury-Lewis 1992). In their culture there are two kinds of marriages: kobgal are arranged marriages that are not expected to be passionate, while men, especially, seek additional wives through teegal (from the heart) marriages. Young men enthusiastically wear what we’d consider feminine make-up and costuming to appeal to the hearts of women.
In discussing malefemale crossing dressing, I’d start by giving the couple limited information on the differences between biological sex, gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation (Center for Gender Sanity 2001). I’d explain how it’s possible to be biologically male (e.g. have an XY chromosome pattern and phenotypic male physical features), to psychologically consider oneself to be male, to be attracted to females as heterosexual males are, but to find important, perhaps pleasurable, needs satisfied by expressing oneself in a feminine way. Those who do this, such as the husband are considered cross-dressers. Using these four aspects of sex and gender how might we describe a gay male? In terms of biology, gender identity, and gender expression he’d be considered male, while in terms of sexual orientation, he’d be attracted to males and thus be considered homosexual.
I’d go on to describe several types of transvestitism including pseudo, fetishistic and true transvestites (Curr 1995). In most cases malefemale transvestites identify as male heterosexuals and have little interest in having sex with males, taking female hormones, or with having sexual reassignment surgery. Pseudo Transvestites lead normal male lives in public; in private however, they enjoy dressing in feminine clothes. Why? Perhaps they enjoy accessing the feminine world. They may enjoy feeling constrained by tight corsets that allow them a feeling of vulnerability wherein they could respond in a submissive way to aggressive males. This desire to feel submissive does not presume an interest in engaging in erotic activity with such males. Transvestitism again is about gender expression, which in this context typically has little to do with physical sexual activity.
A Fetishistic Transvestite often wears feminine lingerie under his male clothes, and periodically dresses publicly as a female. His female persona may have her own name and her own personality. This persona may allow for a fuller emotional expression of who the transvestite is. Dressing femmy may become very important to such a man’s psychological health. If he feels unnecessarily restricted, he become angry and depressed. While dressed as a male his sexual orientation remains heterosexual, though while dressed femmy, his female persona may fantasize about an erotic interest in males.
Finally True Transvestites may have less conviction over being male; they seek to dress full time as females, and may seek sexual involvement with males when dressed in femmy attire. They may feel significant gender discomfort in their male bodies that feels like it can only be relieved by dressing femmy. If these transvestites do experiment with taking female hormones, usually it confirms to them that they have little interest in sexual reassignment surgery.
Next, I’d offer specific suggestions regarding support groups, Internet resources including places to buy clothes and accessories and opportunities to socialize with other transvestites and their wives (http://transsexual.org/). I’d make them aware of web sites where a full range of paraphernalia can be secured including bras, corsets, make-up, “female” clothing cut for men’s bodies, hair removal products and even latex vaginas fitted with a sheath for the penis (http://www.transformation.co.uk/). I’d enforce that while all of these products exist (which certainly validates transvestitism as a serious passion), the husband needs to decide for himself what’s in fact interesting to him.
I’d explain that this isn’t a condition that’s easily addressed by intensive therapy in terms of causing a man to abandon this behavior. Mainly, though, their marital relationship might improve dramatically if the husband felt that his transvestitism was acceptable to his wife and they found a supportive community in which to share these appetites. His wife might also feel much less isolated if they were to connect with a social club in which she could connect with the wives of other transvestites. Finally, I’d remind them that it would be their choice for how to address the husband’s transvestitism. It could be kept in the closet, for him to pursue in private and/or amongst other like-minded transvestites. They could partake in it together by sharing clothes, shopping together, and joining a social club. But ultimately, transvestitism isn’t something that can be obliterated through intensive therapy. Their marriage may have the potential of becoming richer and more wonderful if they do find ways to positively incorporate it (as well as other passions) into their mutual lives.
Center for Gender Sanity Home Page, “Diagram of Sex and Gender,” www.gendersanity.com/diagram.shtml, updated, August 16, 2001.
Curr, A. A Modified Harry Benjamin Scale. New York: Basic Books, 1995.
Maybury-Lewis, D. Millennium: Tribal Wisdom and the Modern World. New York: Viking Penguin, 1992
Reitz, J.D. Transexuality: What it is, How it exists, What to do about it, and even some thoughts about the Why of it too, http://transsexual.org/
Ruppel, H. “The P-LI-SS-IT Model: The Convergence of Sex Education and Clinical Sexology,” Wardell B. Pomeroy Lecture Series, October 7, 2002
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