Listening to My Inner Voice
Deidra Trinidad
I've never been one to go and alter my state or seek God through any other forms besides prayer since I feel it would most likely scare me. I usually stay up longer than I should on most nights but this time I decided to go without sleep for an entire day (two days if I could handle it). I planned out activities and other things I would/could do at night to keep myself awake. Reading, watching movies, writing, playing my guitar, and jogging were some of the activities I decided to do to keep myself awake for as long as I could. I have to say that reading and writing were probably the most tiring out of all the activities simply because my brain starting functioning on overdrive at a certain point throughout the night.
In the beginning I thought this process would flow nicely and I'd have fun doing all the things I loved with maybe a slight chance of, not exactly seeing or talking to God but, gaining some sort of positive insight towards my life or about myself. I imagined I could go those two days perfectly fine without sleep since I don't sleep much at night, but it turns out I only lasted a day and a few hours before collapsing.
I began by reading and writing some poetry to keep my mind stimulated and awake, but eventually I got bored and decided to switch for an even more stimulating activity to do at those late hours. I grabbed my guitar, plugged it into my amp, plugged in some headphones and played away some rather fast tunes. I realized my want for learning more songs kept me awake a very long time which was no problem and it didn't make me feel tired or sleepy. I had not yet experienced anything more than perhaps a slight boost of energy. As the night /morning passed my fingers got tired and my brain started to give up and my eyes followed. Sunrise was approaching and so watching a movie and a few episodes of "Mr. Robot" helped me make it through onto the morning.
Saturday came along and I surprisingly managed to get through my daily routine without much tiredness besides a tiny feeling of wanting to nap at around four in the afternoon. How did I manage to get through that? I went for a jog. That probably would have gotten me more tired, but as I discovered, my body works in completely different ways sometimes, especially with no sleep for a couple of hours now. Night rolled around and once more I stuck to playing my guitar and included a few video games in there. My brain this time was slowly starting to completely want to shut down and that's when the panic started.
Like I mentioned, I had hoped some sort of positive energy or "voice" would infiltrate me, and although it did just a little, the effect of sleep deprivation was more scary and frustrating for me than anything. Why? Well by the time my brain was beginning to completely shut down I started to also just not move. I sat for a good twenty minutes or so just staring around when I started (or perhaps my brain started) to see figures and hear familiar voices (like my mother's). My room was dark and therefore that did not help but I was also just too tired and worried at that point to even try and get up to turn the lights on higher. I then started to wonder about the randomest things like, aliens, getting kidnapped, if this was how drugs felt like, and other things I usually wouldn't be thinking about. It was too late to not think about that and I found myself praying that nothing would happen to me and thinking that I'd be a better person if I could just go to sleep. However, I was terrified of going to sleep because I thought maybe sleep paralysis would happen and I didn't like that experience the last time it happened to me. I think my brain was pretty scrambled by that time. I ended up falling asleep a few minutes after my entire anxiety attack.
What does this whole experience bring me to and how does it connect to religion?
Well to start, I wasn't really expecting anything big like seeing God or hearing
God's voice, but I was expecting some sort of revelation. I must say, two revelations
were figured out the next day and one was that humans perhaps sometimes alter their
state to not only seek a higher power, but to seek answers within themselves as well.
Like stated, I did not hear God's voice or see him, but I did hear my inner voice
I think, and my inner frustrations and desires. This whole experience in a way made
me realize that something was off within myself and within my life and I wanted to
change it to be a better version of myself. Perhaps that sounds a little crazy or
random, but isn't that one of the ways God helps you, by telling you or showing you
that certain things need to be scrutinized or changed in your life? Maybe that tiny
voice I heard that said, "you need to fix yourself" was God, maybe it was just me,
my inner God (or my mom) which I won't lie brought me to think about the fact that
humans were born with a desire of a higher power, making my mom's voice God's voice,
to help comfort me. Another thing I realized, praying helped me feel more safe and
sure that I was going to be alright during my anxiety attack. Humans might alter
their state to feel safer and happier. It can be their way of "prayer" or "healing"
through voices or hallucinations. I definitely did not experience non-